I know I’ve been a bit MIA for the past month or so – but I’m back! And not just with any old blog post but a really important one. The past 5-6 weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind – Chuck and I found out we were pregnant!! Which was so exciting. We were ready to start our little family and were ecstatic to know that we could get pregnant after trying for some time. We found out quite early – around 4 1/2 weeks. I honestly was a bit shocked but so excited.
So we let it sink in.
Around 6 weeks, I started feeling exhausted, nauseous, and really couldn’t stomach anything but cereal, crackers, and carbs (really not complaining on that one ;)). I scheduled my first appointment at the hospital – they schedule the first appointment when you’re between 9 and 11 weeks, so I booked close to 10 weeks. And from weeks 6- 9, I was exhausted and just felt like crap. But prayed to the Lord everyday to give me any and all the symptoms because I was just so excited and felt so blessed to be pregnant. Every night, we prayed for a healthy baby – we didn’t care about anything but that – healthy, healthy, healthy.
Fast forward to our very first appointment – last Friday, August 25th at 2:40PM. We were nervous but excited to see our little babe. Miscarriage had crossed my mind (as it naturally would in this vulnerable trimester) – I never thought I was invincible to it – I even thought about it on the way to the hospital, thinking that I could handle it. I’m the type of person that wants to prepare myself for the worst (a good and bad quality of mine!). We knew the Lord had a plan for us and if this was part of it, bring it.
We walked into our appointment and saw our doctor (who I just LOVE!!!). We chatted with her for a bit until it was time for the ultrasound. Chuck came around to my side while she setup the ultrasound equipment. As she started the ultrasound, I could tell something was wrong – she kept saying, the contrast on this machine is off – let me see if I can fix it. My heart started racing. Then she calmly said, ‘Ok – you can see the fetus here (and pointed to it)’ and she said, ‘usually you can visibly see a heartbeat….. and we can’t.’ I instantly felt like my heart stop and a tingling sense of heat was running through my body. I laid there in sheer utter SHOCK! Like, wait, what? This isn’t happening. Is this a joke? Holy smokes, it really did happen.
The doc then said, ‘I’m sorry, Lauren, but you’ve miscarried.’ And then she gave us a minute to process alone.
Chuck was the best companion, husband, friend, and person in this moment. He goes, ‘It’s ok. We’ll try again. We are a tough couple, we can get through anything.’ So matter-of-fact! Quick side note – he’s the most rational human being I know, even in these heart wrenching moments.
At this point, I’m still in shock – I sat there for 20 minutes staring into space as it started to sink in. For some reason, as we sat there, I felt a sense of peace and contentment come over me. I wasn’t mad – I was sad, but overall instantly at peace (very weird, I know!). Then we had to wait in that room for an hour and a half until an ultrasound nurse could see me and confirm what we saw. As we sat there, all the emotions came over us – we made a few phone calls to parents, cried, hugged each other, and got out the grit and pain in that hour and a half. Then we saw the ultrasound nurse where she confirmed the news. Most likely it was a chromosome imbalance (both the doc and nurse mentioned).
By far, this is one of the toughest life moments Chuck and I have had to experience – but thank the Lord, we have each other.
Why I’m Sharing this With You…
Before I go into why I’m sharing this, I want you to know that I’m not discussing this for pity, sympathy or attention. I am talking about it because it’s a huge part of (my) life. I’m discussing it to help others who have/are/will deal with the same struggle. To inform. To educate. To be matter-of-fact. To explain. To be supportive. So that those who do go through this devastating time know that they are not alone.
Honestly, I always thought to myself – if I ever experience this heart breaking life moment, I want to talk about it. It is such a taboo topic – for a very good reason – who wants to talk about a dreadful moment like this?
If this has happened to you, you know the emotions that run through your heart and mind – ashamed, apologetic, pressure, sadness, emptiness. Since the woman is carrying the child, there’s a sense of – what did I do wrong? that comes over you. But ladies, if there is anything I’ve learned through this process, it’s that we have zero control over this. And there is nothing we could have done to turn this situation around. It is all in God’s hands and He has a plan for our lives.
What We Believe…
God has a plan. We prayed and prayed and prayed (I mean, A TON!) for a healthy baby and I know with all my heart and soul that He will give us that. This one wasn’t it. This gives me peace. He is a prayer answering God and that gives us hope and courage. And I have zero worries for the future. The Lord comforts those who struggle and provides an abundance of blessings.
If you know me at all, you know that I’m a type A personality that needs to have a plan. I need to know what the next steps are – In fact, after the doctor told us the news, I said, ‘so what’s next? Do I need to get a D&C?’. I told my best friend this and she’s like – how were you so rational in that moment to know what to ask?
Well, Chuck always tells me when I’m overthinking something or ‘need to know’ more about something (goes with the Type A territory) that I need to have Faith. He says, ‘You don’t always need to know everything. What’s the point of Faith if you don’t use it or have it in every situation.’ Here he goes again, being all rational 🙂 But he’s right. In this situation, all I have to fall back on is my Faith – nothing else. And I’ve learned, as I go forward in life, that I need worry less and trust more.
How We’re Coping…
Ya know, we’re the type of people that will allow grief to play its role but will not dwell on a situation. We want to deal with it and move on. We’ve have always been that way as a couple. And that’s what we feel now. We loved that baby more than this world, and we’ll meet them one day, but in this moment in time, we need to move on. My family and friends are our BIGGEST support system – we don’t know what I’d do without them. I also have friends who have had miscarriages, who can relate to what we’re feeling and going through and that is something that can provide so much comfort, encouragement and peace.
All I can really think about are all the blessings in my life – I have a wonderful man as my husband, I have a great family (seriously the best!), the best friends a girl could ask for, a job where I get to work with people that have become like a family to me, a beautiful roof over my head, and a heart that beats everyday, all day. I am so so thankful.
Below are a few bible verses that have been so encouraging and helpful throughout this time. I hope they help you, if you are going through something like this:
- ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’ Matthew 11:28-30
- ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.’ Proverbs 3:5-6
- ‘For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.’ Romans 8:18
- ‘The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers Him out of them all.’ Psalm 34:18-19
How to Support Your Friends Going through This…
Show courage in the face of reality.
1. Check-in on them Everyday. Even if they don’t answer the phone every time, knowing you are thinking of them means so much. And if they do answer every time, maybe they needed a friend in that moment to help encourage them. Take 15 minutes a day, for the first few weeks, and call your friend – it will work wonders.
2. Listen to Speak. The reality is, there is nothing you can really say that is going to make your friend feel better permanently. But listen to their concerns, their sadness, and their heart and be that support system and encourager. If they are emotional, give them hope (and feel free to cry with them), if they are positive, reinforce that positive spirit.
3. Send Flowers and a Card. Knowing that someone went that extra mile to support you, always puts a smile on someones face. And let’s be real, who doesn’t love flowers 🙂
4. Share this Post. The best way to heal is through relatable stories and the success that came out of those. Share this post with you friend so she doesn’t feel alone.